Rambling thoughts

Not much to report on the health front - the baby is doing well, my blood pressure is still under control on the 200mg of Labetalol, though I think I feel almost as yucky from the side effects of the med as I did from the high BP. The symptoms of a BP of 160/100 are not dissimilar from those of 110/65. Except the cost of keeping it low is the added condition of constant exhaustion (yeah, uh, the way it keeps your BP within reason is by blocking the effects of adrenaline...sort of inhibits the rest of your functionality at the same time!).

So, as I catch some semblance of a breather from worrying about the health aspects for now, my mind has been turning to deeper, less tangible concerns. It has seemed all along that many people expect, with the passing of time, that I will feel more attached to the baby and heightened emotions about letting her go. This has not happened. I feel a bond with her, but not as a mother, rather, as an intimate facilitator of the delivery of her soul into her earthly family. I know her, that is certain...I know her as a miracle...a timely gift to a hurting family...a challenge to my physical and mental strength and fortitude...a soul destined to be brought into existence, for reasons some of which have been given already and some which have yet to be revealed.

There is no question but that she belongs in this world. The circumstances of her conception as well as the occurrences over the past couple years in the lives of myself and those around me leave no room for doubt on that count. Of late, however, I've found myself praying that she will understand why she did not belong to me. Will she be angry that I didn't keep her? Will she entertain notions of rejection? Or will she have an understanding, forgiving spirit and know, even if only intuitively at first, that I did what I knew had to be done at the time?

I've known all along that I want a relationship with her, but for the first time I am feeling fear that she will harbor anger - or at the least, go through an angry phase at some point in her life. I've spent so much time and energy dealing with the people and issues that the pregnancy has brought up in my life in the here and now, that I've scarcely devoted any conscious thought to concerns about how she herself will perceive having been given up by her birthmother.

Every single decision in life has the potential to completely alter one's path. We don't always notice the little ones, though they can be just as life-changing as the big ones. There are those, however, that eclipse us, if only for a time; situations which we know will leave us changed forever, no matter which direction we choose. It is always a gamble - which choice will leave the least amount of destruction, the mildest pain in its wake? Which one represents "The Right Thing"? I guess as with most of life, we do the best we can with what we know at the time, and hope and pray the rest works itself out satisfactorily.

One thing is certain, though both she and I may go through periods of struggle with various aspects of this complex process, in the end, the most important thing for her to know is that every single thing I have done has been because I love her and want her to have the happiest life I can possibly give her. In that regard, I think we've got a pretty good start going.