The story

I've thought all along that I should keep a journal of sorts regarding this pregnancy and process, both for my own future reminiscence, as well as for the baby's adoptive family, whom also happen to be dear friends of mine.

So, due to the fact that I've procrastinated on doing this for so long, future postings will contain updates and random ramblings on my thoughts and feelings, but this first entry will be an explanation of what has already transpired.

I was married for 14 years, a devout Catholic for most of that time. I have 5 children from my marriage, ages 3-12. It became necessary to end the marriage nearly 2 years ago. I became involved in a short-lived relationship this past spring, and ended up very unexpectedly pregnant. I used to despise it when people used the term "unexpectedly" - to my way of thinking, if you are intimate, well, it follows that you could expect to at least potentially run the risk of ending up in the family way! Alas, despite 12 years of successful Natural Family Planning experience under my belt (hardyharhar), and the biological father having been diagnosed infertile, a miracle happened.

Unfortunately, although children are always a gift, now being a struggling, single, homeschooling mom, having just begun college myself, panic set in at the notion of adding a newborn to the mix. I survived a tumultuous month before deciding that ultimately, this baby must have been intended for my friends. They have 2 children, and as Catholics themselves, had dreamed of a large family. Tragically, in December of 2005, they lost their third baby, a sweet boy, to stillbirth. Due to the circumstances of the birth, they are unable to have any more biological children. Having been there with them, holding their hands, attending the funeral, I knew how much this pained them and how eager they were to get to that day, someday, when they would be able to arrange to adopt. So when I found myself in utter panic, yet not wanting to do something I'd regret, it was obvious to me that if I were to bring something good out my mistake, it would have to be by blessing someone else with this gift.

I was very nervous about asking them if they wanted to adopt this baby. Many of the other wonderful friends upon whom I'd leaned during those initial panicked weeks advised me to be cautious in approaching the couple, and not to expect an immediately boisterous reaction. Of course, I had absolutely no idea *what* to expect. I'm not exactly a seasoned pro at this sort of thing. It was difficult, and a bit nerve-wracking on both our parts, but once they had a couple days to consider it, they jumped in with both feet and have never expressed second thoughts or doubts. As for the biodad, there is little to say, as he has declined to be involved in any way.

The baby is due in January and I expect it to be a very emotional experience, yet positive in so many ways. A lot of people ask me if I'm sure I can give the baby up, yet, that's not even an issue because with the surrounding circumstances, the timing, the way in which this all has come into being, there is no doubt in my mind that this baby was really never mine, beyond my egg being used to create her. She is their child - it's a delightfully natural state of perception among all involved. I strongly believe that God took my error, turned it into this wee baby girl, and said okay, what are you going to do with this? How are you going to handle things? I hope that I'm doing what He would want. I am doing what's best for my children and myself, and something I hope will bring much joy to her adoptive parents after so much sorrow has visited them. They are gentle, kind people and I could not have hoped for a sweeter family for her.

That's not to say that I don't worry about other issues - the impact on my kids, the impact on the baby's future and how she perceives these events, whether she will one day understand why I made this decision. I hope and pray that she will see it as we do - that there is no limit to the number of people who can love a child, and she is very lucky - and loved - indeed.