So this is how it's gonna be

After some scary BP readings in the night, I held out til my appointment this morning, and my dear, sweet wonderful midwife drove me there. I saw a CNM who was okay...I wouldn't call her the warmest medpro I've ever met. She was pretty respectful, though I could sense the occasional urge to roll her eyes. I held my ground as best I could under the circumstances, she went along with my choice of BP meds - Labetalol - and we basically came to an understanding about how this will all work. I am officially transferred into care at this office for pregnancy hypertension, hopefully not the beginnings of pre-eclampsia but it's impossible to tell that right now. I will now be going in for checks twice weekly, with one of those visits including ultrasound each week for a BPP (biophysical profile - essentially an assessment of how she is growing, how well the placenta is functioning, etc.).

I'm devastated....crushed....worried....I know this is the best choice for now. The risks to the baby and myself with the dangerous levels my BP was rising to make the switch to the medical model of care a necessary evil. But it hurts...I cherish my pregnancies spent in peace, the lovely chatty prenatals with the midwife, the low-key anticipation of labor knowing that I will not have to leave my safe, comfy nest for the cold germy hospital. This birth was to take place at the midwife's house, surrounded and supported by good friends, where we would have total freedom for the birth to happen however it was destined to, the new mother would not have to fight off hospital staff and go into protective mama bear mode before she even gets to know her new daughter...it seems cruel that this should be the pregnancy that becomes problematic.

On the other hand, I'm almost not surprised. Nearly everything about this whole bizarre experience has been unexpected; I suppose I should just adjust my mindset that things will go as they go, and as much as I like to believe I do things "right", and as much as I desire control over the process, sometimes it just doesn't matter and sh** happens anyway.

There is so much in my mind right now. I'm angry, but I don't know at whom or what. I'm scared, and confused, and yet I have complete clarity too - in the wise words of my midwife, it is what it is.

I despise uncertainty, unpredictability...maybe that is my biggest lesson here. We'll see...I'm sure more ramblings will be forthcoming as time goes on...